has it been since i really looked at myself?

i was struck today by the thought that, although i give a lot of energy to this world and often pour it into others, i tell only a few of you about the things that really matter to me: who i really am. i realised it with a start (biking over the jagged cobblestones in front of the porte de st denis (two quick thoughts: wow i’m so lucky to live here and, yikes denis? really?) on a bright winter’s morning with the trees’ shadows long and bare against the sandy coloured buildings, radishes and fresh basil in my bicycle basket): my knee-jerk reaction is to expect rejection. nutshell: i expect to get hurt. i don’t expect any other outcome, short or long term.

and so i look at myself properly in the mirror behind this computer as i type, and i realise it’s been months, maybe a good full year since i looked enough to see. and my eyes are full of questions.